How to Tame Your Shrew (+ Handy Quiz)

angry big wife with rolling pin screaming at lazy small husband

Hey there husbands! Welcome. I assume you’re on the hunt for some shrew-taming pointers and that, my friend, is exactly what I’m going to share with you. For more on the topic, see: Taming of the Shrew (Or is the Problem You?)

Now, to begin with, you must truly believe that you have the power to turn your shrew into the supportive, happy woman that you long to be with. Just to confirm, I am not referring to an actual rodent-shrew but the human version, defined by Merriam-Webster as: an ill-tempered scolding woman.

Ok, so let’s get to work!

This formula: Happy Wife= Happy Life, is the foundation from which you will build upon. Refer to it when times get tough for there may be some rocky patches along your taming journey.

Now, let’s first determine if you have asshole tendencies, which is an essential step in the shrew-taming process.

 Asshole Assessment Quiz

  1. Can you list 4 ways that you help maintain your wife’s sanity and happiness? You shouldn’t have to think too hard, here. And if you don’t know what to do, just ask her!
  2. Do you and your wife spend quality time together, just the two of you? Trips to Home Depot don’t count. Got it?
  3. Do you compliment your wife regularly? Or do you just point out the negative shit? I mean, come on!
  4. Do you and she partake in a similar amount of freedoms/extra-curricular activities? Or is your list more exciting than hers? Be honest…
  5. Do you pull your weight around the house? Because chore overload can lead to extreme shrew-hood.
  6. Do you satisfy her in bed?  It’s a simple question and we all know there is a direct link between sex and mood.
  7. Are you a hands-on dad? There really isn’t anything hotter and more likely to result in a happy wife, than that. So get on it! It’s a win-win.
  8. Are you faithful? Because if you’re not (whether she knows about your infidelity or she doesn’t) you’re damaging your marriage which is now based on lies. And if she does know, well… it’d be prit-near impossible not to be in a state of perma-shrew. Seriously.
  9. When you drink alcohol, do you refrain from douche-like behaviour and ensure that you’re not a danger to yourself or others, including material objects? Falling down stairs, picking fights, becoming letchy, losing the ability to walk and speak or causing accidental damage to household items would all lead to a resounding “NO” on this question.
  10. When your wife wants to go out with her friends or to a work related event, do you support her, by keeping things together on the home front, while she’s gone? Or do you wait for her to do everything when she gets back? Or make her feel guilty by texting her the entire time she’s gone? Or perhaps she doesn’t bother going out because she can’t count on you. Hence the façade a la shrew.

Taming your Assholism

Ok, so now that you’ve contemplated the above questions, it’s time to be honest about any role that you might be playing in your wife’s uptight ways. Dig deep here, man. It’s not too late to rewind a bit and make some changes. So, go on, transform the above “nos” into “yeses” and See. What. Happens. This, my friend, is how you tame your shrew.  You do it via you. But don’t stress about it. You don’t have to be perfect.

Good Husbands Can be Douche Canoes Too

Now, you don’t have to worry about doing all of the above all of the time. If you’ve got most of them where they need to be, a slip up can occur without grave consequence. (Unless it’s the unfaithful one, obviously).

If you’ve been rockin’ the above list and you then happen to, say, piss on the bedroom floor one night after too many drinks, well your wife may be able to overlook it. Yes, your action is that of a douche canoe BUT if your recent acts were not (ie. you let your wife sleep in and then made her pancakes when she awoke) then it’s all good. You can slip up, no problem. It’s all about balance, really. 

A Happier Life Can be Yours

You have the power to alter the fate of your own happiness through the happiness of your wife. Implement any changes that you need to make ASAP. Be sure to make reference to the Asshole Assessment Quiz as needed, to ensure that you’re on track.

Now, if the changes don’t seem to do the trick, then …

Try buying chocolate. Wives like chocolate.

And tell her that you’ve been trying. Wives like effort.

They also like hugs and if that doesn’t work, well, sorry to say it but it looks like your wife really may be a shrew. So, good luck with that.

  • Disclaimer:  I have no formal training in the area of counselling or psychology.  I did, however, guide some lovers toward a happier union, when I worked as a bartender, back in the day.


7 thoughts on “How to Tame Your Shrew (+ Handy Quiz)

  1. This should be mandatory reading for all husbands! I was kind of expecting the ‘how to be a kinder wife’ but when it comes to shrews, that’s mostly blaming the victim!

  2. 1) a) I clean the house. Interestingly, when she asks “what I do around here” and I mention that I clean the garbage she drops on the kitchen floor, or clean the bathrooms, she tells me “You do those things for you, not for me.” b) She asked to quit work to stay home with the kids because putting them in daycare would “drive her nuts”. I told her that it would be fine and since she promised to go back to work after the kids went to school it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Then she decided to do seasonal jobs and now she refuses to work because she is so fat she can’t bend over without her head hurting. c) When she asks me (for the millionth time) why our daughter no longer wishes to speak to her, I try to explain what I have been told. I don’t put any spin on my answer. d) When she asks me to do something, I do it. Wash the dishes? Fine. Learn how to change the brakes on a car to save us money? Okay. Learn how to cut down trees to save on arborist work and/or get us firewood to save on heating bills? On it. Appreciated? Not one bit.

    2) No. When I ask if she wants to go somewhere or do something, she says “I don’t know. Maybe. How much does it cost?” Then she does something with the kid who hasn’t escaped yet.

    3) Compliment her? Well, if she does a good job painting the dining room while I am at work (actually that should be “paying someone else to paint the dining room while I am at work”) or if she makes a great dinner, I tell her so.

    4) No. Actually she does way more than I do. I come home to her sleeping on the couch. Then she gets up to go visit friends. She goes to plays with friends. She actually took her friends to go see The Sound of Music, one of my favorite musicals, and didn’t have the decency to even ask if I wanted to go. Unless I am working overtime to help defray the cost of her not working, I am home at 3pm every day.

    5) In addition to the things I listed at (1) I also wash dishes when necessary, keep my own areas as clean as possible, and take care of the lawn. If a child needs to be driven somewhere and she can’t do it, then I step in.

    6) No. We have had sex maybe twice in the past three years. I gave up even trying.

    7) Yes.

    8) Yes.

    9) I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t gamble.

    10) Absolutely. In fact, if I text her while she is gone I am told that I need to stop trying to track her down and if I don’t text her, well, I obviously don’t care about her. She could be in a hospital for some reason, you know!

    I know. I’m such an asshole.

    • Hey,
      I think you will see, by the final few lines of my post, that you are not an asshole. And you will also see that I am suggesting that if you are not an asshole then she must be a shrew BUT … as we all know nothing is black and white. It sounds like there is a great build-up of resentment & blame here and I would guess it is on both your and your wife’s part. She sounds to me to be in a rut and you sound to me like you have given up trying to connect with her. Have you two tried counselling? It sounds like you need to sit down, talk, listen, and try to work on yourselves and your relationship. Otherwise, why are you still in this marriage?

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