Behind Every Ugly Sun #OnlyTrollops

Mom and daughter with false mustaches

I’ve got my fingers, my toes, and even my legs crossed right now. Reason being, I’m hopeful that someday my kids will think as highly of me, as I do of my own mom.

Yup. I’m all twisted up into a yoga-like tree pose. Everything is crossed as I send out my requests into the universe. I am willing the presence of some positive energy to head my way. I, a mother of three girls, appreciate all the energy that I can get! I’ll also need a blast of hope, a splash of luck, and a sploosh of peace.

They’re are all on the wish list, here, while I twist and cross with all my might. Bring it on, universe. Send your strength my way!

Yes, positive energy certainly can’t hurt but I know that I need to do more than cross everything and hope for the best to get my girls and I where we want to be. I know what it takes to get where my mom and I are today. It takes patience. It takes a shitload of patience. And knowing what I need to do and doing what I need to do are two very different things. The battle is very real, right moms!? Tell me I’m not alone, here.

I wrote about my efforts (and my slips) as I aim to master the art of patience, as taught and modelled by my mom. You can read my story, entitled: Behind Every Ugly Sun. It’s part of Crystal Ponti’s latest anthology!

Only Trollops

Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee The Crazy, Brilliant, and Unforgettable Lessons that We’ve Learned from our Mothers is available, on Kindle and in print, over at Amazon.com , Amazon.co.uk, and Amazon.ca. Just in time for Mother’s Day!

I’ve gotta say, I am feeling pretty confident that my mom will like her gift this year…

Who’s the Real Dick? {It’s Not “Crazy 1st Birthday Mom”}

gifts

I’m a fan of the gift giving experience. I love selecting them, wrapping them and presenting them to their intended recipients.

Watching people open gifts (that have been thoughtfully selected by me) really is my idea of fun times.

I also love receiving gifts and can honestly say, I’m easy to please. There is something about the surprise-factor that still excites me, despite being an almost-40-year-old, fully grown woman. If you’ve chosen it for me, I will be grateful to receive it. I can usually identify a re-gift, but don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you.

I know that not everyone shares in my gifting enthusiasm. In fact, more often than not I have noticed friends and family taking a practical approach to gift-giving by asking specifically what I, my husband, and the kids would like for our birthdays and Christmas. Which is fine with me; I don’t mind sending them in the right direction. I know that not everyone enjoys, has time for, or feels like they know our tastes well enough to make selections on their own.

In fact, some people actually find the idea of choosing presents for others, stressful. These practical-natured folks like to be certain that a gift will be used and appreciated.

These peeps are precisely the type who would appreciate being sent a list of pre-selected gift ideas, with handy links to websites from which to order these requested products. Have you seen the email making the rounds on Social Media this past week?

1st Birthday Demands

As it turns out, one of the email’s recipients didn’t appreciate the practical (and yes, over-the-top protective & micro-managed) nature of the email’s contents. And, unfortunately, despite being a member of her immediate family, this recipient didn’t have enough respect for the mom who’d sent it, to keep it private.

So she is now known as: “Crazy 1st Birthday Mom,” and is being insulted in a variety of ways ranging from tacky to psychotic…

Is “Crazy 1st Birthday Mom” a bit over the-top with her military operation of the gift giving process? Sure. But, this is clearly her first child, she’s catering to, here. For those of us who have been there, as a new mom, we all had an area or two that we were overly-something about. But, luckily for us, nobody was taking notes, quoting us, or tossing proof of our irrational behaviour out to the sharks of the internet world.

Does “Crazy 1st Birthday Mom” take the “fun times” out of the gift selecting process? Ya. She does. Where there are rules, fun is inevitably hindered! You’ve got to admit, though, the woman is thorough and, dare I say she’d be a fab Personal Assistant. She is extremely practical and proactive. She makes reference to not wanting to waste money and is obviously quite frugal with the cash of others, as well as her own. Another perspective to consider is that perhaps she and her husband have limited space in their home and she’s concerned about where she’ll put all the gifts (hence the 2 gift limit). She could work on her delivery but she has reasons and worries and, in my opinion, her family should do their best to respect her wishes, no matter how they feel about her rule-laden approach.

Does “Crazy 1st Birthday Mom” need to take a chill pill? She absolutely does. And I am sure, in her own time, she will. Unfortunately, her family members (who could’ve just had a little chuckle or uttered a simple “yikes” and moved on) chose to drag her through the trenches, instead.

So, on behalf of “Crazy 1st Birthday Mom,” I feel compelled to send out this message to the email sharing family member: You’re a dick! And, somehow I have the feeling you are a long way from being forgiven. And all for an email’s five minutes of fame.

Introducing the WTF?! Contributors

Meet the WTF!? contributors! for our upcoming book: Martinis & Motherhood – Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF!? #WonderWoeWTF

Tipsy Squirrel Press

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WTF Sarah Del Rio Pic

Sarah del Rio is a comedy writer whose award-winning humor blog est. 1975 brings snark, levity, and perspective to the ladies of Generation X.

Despite being a corporate refugee with absolutely no formal training in English, journalism, or writing of any kind, Sarah manages to earn her daily bread as a freelance writer and editor. She has also contributed to several anthologies, including I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone, the latest installment in the national-bestselling I Just Want to Pee Alone series.

Sarah’s blog est. 1975has won several awards, including Funniest Blog in The Indie Chicks 2014 Badass Blog Awards. She contributes regularly to BLUNTMoms and has made frequent appearances on The Huffington Post Best Parenting Tweets of the Week List. She has also been featured on Scary Mommy, TODAY Parents, In the Powder Room, and the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. You can also…

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Introducing the Woe Contributors…

Meet the Woe writers for our upcoming book: Martinis & Motherhood – Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF!? #WonderWoeWTF

Tipsy Squirrel Press

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Woe Shannon DayWhen she’s not spooning her kids on the couch, complaining about the crunchiness of the kitchen floor, or perfecting her towel folding skills, Shannon can be found cocktail shaking and story making over at her site: Martinis & Motherhood. There she ponders the meaning of life, while poking fun at her hot hubby.

Shannon is co-founder of Tipsy Squirrel Press and co-editor of Martinis & Motherhood – Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?! She is a regular contributor for BLUNTmoms and her writing can be found in various online publications, including: Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, Huffington Post, Mamalode, In the Powder Room, Pregnant Chicken, and Sweatpants & Coffee. You can also find some of her stories in print as she’s a contributing author to a few anthologies. Connect with Shannon Day on Facebook and Twitter.

Woe Tara

Tara Wilson is an always-distracted Canadian mom of three tween girls, living in the same suburban town outside Toronto in which she grew up. She writes about raising kids…

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Introducing the Wonder Contributors…

Meet the Wonder contributors for the upcoming book: Martinis & Motherhood – Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF!? 12 tales of Wonder, 12 tales of Woe and 12 tales of WTF?! (each with a customized martini for celebrating with!) Available in JUNE!

Tipsy Squirrel Press

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Wonder LynnLynn Morrison is the mouthy woman behind the blog The Nomad Mom Diary. She’s not afraid to admit that she wears sweatpants too often, fails at sucking it in and has, on occasion, hidden delivery pizza boxes from her skinny husband. From thought-provoking to outrageously funny to almost unbearably sad, Lynn’s emotions come through loud and clear in everything she writes. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Angila Peters is a Gemini who dislikes long walks throughout her home, stepping on Lego. She is also a freelance writer living in southern Ontario. She spends her days slapping peanut butter and jelly sandwiches together for her kids’ lunches, and then remembers peanuts are banned.

She has been a writer since her pen made real words in her coveted Scholastic journal. And by words, she drew hearts with boys names in the middle. Considering her expertise on young men…

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What Happens in Vegas … {Reflections of a Non-Jealous Wife}

One of the highest hands in poker a Spades Royal Flush on a red

My husband is hot. Men envy his muscular physique. Women lust after his sexy, chiseled features. Grandmothers make comments like: “all men should look like that.” Even the babysitter goes all shy when he answers the door.

Whenever he strolls along, hand in hand, with our kids, he’s a magnet for admiring glances. You can just imagine what happened, back in the day, when he was adorned with a baby in a papoose. He got oogled and ogled, of course. Because women, of all ages, just love a hot dad.

He knows he’s gorgeous, though. It’s nothing new.

Just last month he was in Vegas for a work convention. After a night out with some colleagues, he went back to his room to find two bikini-clad 20-somethings in the hallway by his door. The girls, part of a bachelorette weekend, were staying in the room across from him.

They invited my husband to join them for a drink. IN THEIR ROOM!

He declined their offer and told them he was married. The one wet-T champion wannabe, responded that she was engaged (to an ever-so lucky man, I must add) and enquired if he was, in fact, happily married…

So, ya. This is my life! Not every minute but sometimes.

It’s beyond my control, though, because the extra attention and the potential temptations simply come with the territory. My husband is a handsome businessman who travels for work. It’s part of his job to be away from home and he certainly can’t stop the fact that he looks amazing in a suit.

Recently, I was telling the Vegas story to a friend. Her response was: “I would hate that. Don’t you ever worry?” I didn’t have to think about my answer, which was: “No, I don’t.”

The fact is, I trust in my instinct. I trust him. I haven’t any reason not to. And upon further contemplation, I have plenty of reasons to…

Let me count the ways:

  1. He had lots of freedom in his younger years to do what he wanted to do. So I figure, he’s been there and done that.
  2. He has a mind of his own and isn’t swayed to do things he doesn’t want to do. I know he’s capable of saying no.
  3. He’s a dedicated dad who prioritizes time with me and the kids. This lets me know that he values our family.
  4. He calls me when he’s away, to make sure the doors are locked and to ask what we ate for dinner. Yes, this is everyday hum drum chat but it tells me that he cares and that he’s thinking of us.
  5. He makes plans for us to go out, just the two of us or with friends. This shows me that he values our relationship.
  6. Sometimes he tells me that I look beautiful which obviously makes me feel… sort of beautiful.
  7. If he’s away, and depending on the time zone, he’ll text or call me to say good night, every night. I don’t actually, ever have to call him. The man is consistent.
  8. When women do put the moves on him, he tells me about it. This makes me feel like I’m “in the know.”
  9. He also buys me chocolate. Yes, choc-o-late! This indicates, without a doubt, that he gets me. Well, let’s not get carried away BUT he knows that I like chocolate and he brings it to me.
  10. And, finally, a subtle (yet fantastic) indicator that we are doin’ ok is, he smacks my butt.  He does this in passing, on a regular basis. Obviously, butt smacking= I want your ass, which is encouraging. Because as long as he wants mine, he’s less likely to want someone else’s. Am I right?

If that fades away, then maybe I’ll start to worry, but until then my husband has my trust.

So, bikini-clad girls, if you happen to be reading this and before you go chasing after my, or anybody else’s faithful, family-loving husband (I know such qualities do tend to make a man even more lust-worthy) there are a few things you should know.  My man is…one of those loud chewers. Seriously, even when his mouth is closed it’s like “NOM NOM NOM!” He also leaves his snot rags all over the house, you do not want to be around during hay fever season. And he has some serious know-it-all tendencies. Like, majorly. Why am I telling you this? Because… the grass surrounding him, isn’t greener. It’s just different.

So, here’s a tip from a non-jealous wife to all the classy ladies: “Tend to your own lawn or find a vacant patch of meadow where you can frolic wild, and free.” You just want a shag, you say?  A fun night? Well, to that, I reply: “a romp in the Vegas hay is nothing compared to sharing a life with an amazing guy like mine.”  And, in order to share a life with a guy like mine, you’ll need more than a bikini and a room key.