My Massage Therapist Bums Me Out

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I awoke with a pounding headache, a kid’s foot in my face, and a crooked neck. Yet, in a few hours, none of that would matter because I had booked myself in for a massage.

I felt a subtle sense of calm just knowing the sounds of distant crickets and soft breezes would soon envelope me into a Zen-like state. I imagined myself, in a post-massage euphoria, floating out the door, sporting a vibrant, peaceful glow…

So, up went the ponytails and in went the lunches. I then bid my kids adios and peeled out of the school parking lot.

Moments later I was lying, clothes-free, under a clean white sheet; my face awkwardly crammed into the donut-like hole of the massage table. There weren’t any audible crickets or breezes but the background music, a combo of didgeridoo and ocean waves, certainly sufficed.

The massage therapist entered the room, sat down on her stool, and began kneading the knots out of my neck. Her hands were strong and skilled. She checked-in to make sure the pressure was okay. I told her it was.

And then, she stood up, slid the stool under the table directly below my protruding face. I gulped down a gag as a harsh aroma emanated from the stool and crept into my nostrils. Survival-mode kicked in and I held my breath; eyes moving from side-to-side for no apparent reason. Should I say something to her? Like, “I was hoping for eucalyptus or lavender, not Eau de Ass Crack.” I mean, how would I even broach the topic?  Would I say, “Excuse me, but your stool smells like… stool”?  Or maybe, “I’m dyin’ under here! HELP!”

(I’m sure a simple, “Would you please move the stool?” would have done the trick. But, somehow, I didn’t think of it at the time.)

So, what did I do about the situation?  Nothing. That’s what I did.

Instead of facing the problem, I opted to shallow breathe for the remainder of the treatment while mentally downplaying this attack on my air supply.

Needless to say, I was grateful-as-fuck when the face-in-the hole position finally brought congestion into my sinuses leaving me blissfully incapable of breathing from my nose.

Time. Stood. Still.

And when it was over, I launched myself off the massage table and got dressed. I definitely wasn’t floating nor was I sporting a vibrant, peaceful glow. My neck did feel better, though.

I paid the bill, and replied (with a robotic smile) that, “Yes, it had been a great massage!”

I even left a tip because apparently I felt it was mean not to. Yes, I had to endure face to face space with the scent of a bum but I’m sure it was unintentional.

And then, before I could muster up a, “No thank-you!”  I’d booked myself in for another appointment with the same person, for the following month. Because, hey, why not?

I got in my car and drove home, with full intentions of cancelling the massage and possibly sending the masseuse an anonymous note to tell her about her butt.

Yet, somehow I felt badly for her.

So, I decided not to cancel or write a note. In fact, the appointment is coming up tomorrow. I figure I’ll be better prepared this time. If she slides the stool under the table, I’ll just ask her to move it. Right away! I’ll tell her I’m claustrophobic or something like that. Because, certainly can’t be the one to tell her that she has a smelly bum. But if I don’t, who will?

 

This post first appeared on BLUNTmoms.

 

Did you know that Shannon Day and 36 other fab writers have created a book? Well, it’s actually a martini guide too. If you like funny, ridiculous, and heartstring-tugging stories of motherhood (+ easy-to-make martini & mocktini recipes) then you’ll love Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?!  Available now on Amazon.

Final Book Cover

 

 

 

An Ode to Parenthood…

An Ode to Parenthood

 

Becoming a parent is…
the end and the beginning
We worry and we think a lot
And, yes, sometimes we’re winning

And other times we’re losing track
Of time and all our sanity
But parenthood is worth the shift
Overrated was our vanity

Kids simplify perspectives
Yet they also complicate things
They show us new paths and doorways
Make us feel like servants & kings

Our kids, they are so funny
They make us lol
They mess and fight and act like fools
At times, they really smell

But our love for them’s colossal
The most abundant kind
A love so deep and endless
So pure and unrefined

Parenthood’s a paradox
Full of contradiction
Sometimes the flow is easy
Sometimes it’s filled with friction

Yet always there are moments
of greatness that prevail,
A kiss, a hug, a thumbs up
Then out the door, they sail

They’re ours for just these moments
Before we know it, they’ll be gone
So hold tight through the rapids
Of the parenthood ride you’re on

Because having kids is priceless,
a wonderful thing indeed
A privilege, a pleasure
the reason you just laughed & peed

So “Cheers to our children,
To the Wonder and the Woe,
And of course to all the WTF?!
For through it all, we grow!”

Written by: Shannon Day

 

Did you know that Shannon Day and 36 other fab writers have created a book? Well, it’s actually a martini guide too. If you like funny, ridiculous, and heartstring-tugging stories of motherhood (+ easy-to-make martini & mocktini recipes) then you’ll love Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?!  Available now on Amazon.

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Farewell Ironing Pile, Hello Joy

Screaming Housewife With Steam Iron

They say it takes two to tango and I agree.

I’ve been there.

I’ve done the dance.

I’ve ridden the rollercoaster.

Our relationship brought out the worst in me.

We were not compatible.

We did not click.

In fact, our union was doomed from the start. But, everyone else was dancing the same tango and they weren’t complaining. Piles of ironing to do each week was simply part of the UK way of life.

And somehow, even though I was Canadian, my British husband got caught up in the idea of you and I trying to make it work.

I mean, I was the one at home while he was out in the workforce so… you fell into the category of “shit I needed to take care of.”  But, I kinda resented you, all of you, as you gathered in a pile, waiting for my attention each week.

After a ten year–somewhat surreal–experience; and a move from the UK to Canada, I finally put my foot down!

I said: “Fuck this! T-shirts and jeans do not need to be ironed! I AM CANADIAN (proud and true) and this goes against my roots; my heritage, if you will. We do not iron this stuff, in my homeland!”

I then turned to my husband’s dress shirts, with unbreakable will, and said: “You, my pesky friends, are going to the Dry Cleaners!”

Sure, in the UK, people iron everything: jeans, underwear, pillow cases, and towels but we live in Canada now.  And here, we don’t do that. That’s what our big, spacious dryers are for. They do the ironing for us.

So now, we all wear ever-so-slightly wrinkled attire and I take my husband’s dress shirts to the cleaners. I mean, it’s only $1.87 per shirt to have them cleaned and ironed. And every time I drop the shirts off, I leave with a little extra bounce in my step and a sense of gratefulness in my heart.

No more piles, no more steam, no more annoying comments like: “you’ve missed an entire strip of fabric.”

Nope. No more bullshit.

I am proud to report that our iron is gathering dust these days. (As it should be). And we have settled into our Canadian way of life, because a few wrinkles never hurt anyone but I’m sure a housewife with a hot iron could…

 

 

Did you know that Shannon Day and 36 other fab writers have created a book? Well, it’s actually a martini guide too. If you like funny, ridiculous, and heartstring-tugging stories of motherhood (+ easy-to-make martini & mocktini recipes) then you’ll love Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?!  Available now on Amazon.

Final Book Cover

 

 

 

 

If You Give a Mom a Martini…

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If you give a mom a martini,

And a weekend with her friends

She’ll talk and laugh and laugh some more

Live it up, until the end!

Because a mom who’s with her girlfriends

Is a happy mom indeed.

She can just be who she is,

Let her inner-self be freed!

If you give a mom a martini

Fireside, by the lake

That mom will be so thankful

For the comfort and a break.

And if that mom does eat,

Tasty food made just for her,

A smile will form upon her face

Like a kitty cat’s gracious prrrrrrrr.

And if that weekend ends

With, say, a mom who’s stuck in traffic,

It frets her not, for she is calm

And feeling so fantastic.

And even if once home,

 “re-entry” is a bitch

She’ll  still be chillin’ inside

For in memories, she is rich

So give a mom a martini.

And a weekend away

Just give her a martini, dammit!

She, too, deserves to play.

This poem has been inspired by Moms’ Martini Getaway at Bonnie View Inn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moms’ Martini Getaway ~ Haliburton, Highlands

April 8th-10th (7)

WEEKEND PRICE of $250 per person

Plus 10% Service then 13% HST = $310.75

 Includes the list below with the exception of 3 items with a **($)

 

  • A copy of Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?!
  • A coupon for a martini or mocktini of your choice, used any time
  • Hors d’oeuvres Friday night
  • Two breakfasts chosen from a full hot choice menu
  • One lunch chosen from a two choice menu served with soup & salad
  • One dinner Saturday night chosen from a menu; served with a choice of a glass of house wine, a pop or a juice.
  • Coffee, tea, water & punch in the main building from 8AM – 12 AM
  • Saturday morning yoga class
  • Reading & Martini Sipping Session with Shannon Day (a book reading and mom-chat with the opportunity to order some of the **($) martinis from the book)
  • Two nights of shared accommodation with the other great moms. (2 per room, 3-4 per chalet; these will be worked out once we know how many are coming! If you want to share with someone specific please let us know!)
  • Automatic entry to win one of the fab prizes from Beauty Counter, Pearls for Girls, Mabel’s Labels & Indigo (plus more to come!)
  • **($) Massages are available from different travelling RMT’s. Please contact the Inn to help you book one.
  • **($) Cash bar open for any type of drink purchase 11AM – 12AM daily

 

 

AWESOME WEEKEND AGENDA

Friday May 13

3:00 PM                Check in anytime after 3. Receive your book and (bewteen 3-5) a welcome TGIF martini/mocktini.

8 – 10:00 PM         Meet & Greet in the Lounge.  (hors d’oeuvres, cash bar.)

10:00 – 12:00 AM Moms’ Social (Music. Games. Cash Bar.)

(Eat on your way there, book to purchase dinner in the Inn’s Dining Room, or inquire about the many great restaurants in the area.)

 

Saturday May 14

8:00 – 10:00 AM   Breakfast is served

10:00 – 11:00 AM  Yoga in the Lounge

11:00 – 1:00 PM     Free time! (Hike, Chill, Have a Massage.)

1:00 PM                Lunch is served

2:00 – 4:00 PM      Free time! (Hike, Chill, Have a Massage.)

4:00 – 5:00 PM     Martinis & Motherhood Reading & Fun Mom Chats + the chance to order some of the martinis from the book. ( ie. The Pelvic Floor and the Motherhood Paradise.)

6:00 – 7:00 PM     Meet & Greet in the Lounge

7:00 – 8:00 PM     Dinner is served

9:30 – 12:00 AM    Moms’ Social (Music. Games. Cash Bar.)

 

Sunday May 15

8:30 – 10:00 AM   Breakfast is served

11:30 AM              Check Out

 

 

Saturday passes can be purchased for locals who’d just like to attend for the day.

Contact The Bonnie View Inn to book: bonnieview.inn@sympatico.ca / 1-800-461-0347

 

 

About Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?!

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Stories that inspire, entertain, and make you laugh ’til you pee. Plus martinis! And not just any-old-martinis—these ones were designed just for moms!

These tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF?! share a little glimpse into the lives of other moms, who are a lot like you. Through their tales, we’re reminded to savour the little things (like capturing extra morning snuggles), to let go of the stresses (they won’t be in that unfortunate phase forever), and to be grateful for the laughs that the unexpected brings (because laughing is better than crying and it may be the only workout our abs get!).

So shake up an easy-to-make martini, put your feet up (quickly, before the kids find you) and join us on our journey as we toast to the many clink-worthy moments that motherhood brings.

Huffington Post Book Review, by Sarah Cottrell

Erica Ehm’s Yummy Mummy Book Review, by Jen Warman

 

About The Bonnie View Inn

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The Bonnie View Inn is a small family-owned and operated 28-room country inn nestled in the Haliburton Highlands on beautiful Lake Kashagawigamog, only an 8-minute drive from village shopping. Open all year round catering to every season.

Gourmet dinners are prepared by our gold ribbon chef and served in our lakeview, fireside, candle lit dining room with a full menu to choose from. A traditional full breakfast is a delicious delight on any morning. Enjoy wonderful service with a smile.

There is a cozy licensed non-smoking lounge with a fireplace, pool table and board games beside the dining room. Relax on a cold day with a hot drink in the over-sized chairs by the roaring fire in the winter or escape the outside heat with the central air conditioning on a hot summer day…

www.bonnieviewinn 

 

 About Shannon 

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When she’s not spooning her kids on the couch or complaining about the crunchiness of the kitchen floor, former bartender-turned-teacher Shannon Day can be found cocktail-shaking and story-making over at her site, Martinis & Motherhood. There, she ponders the meaning of life, while poking fun at her handsome British hubby. Shannon is co-author and editor of Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?! She is a regular contributor to BLUNTmoms, and her writing can be found in various online publications including Mamapedia, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Mamalode, Pregnant Chicken, and Sweatpants& Coffee. Connect with Shannon on Facebook.

Contact The Bonnie View Inn to book: bonnieview.inn@sympatico.ca / 1-800-461-0347

 

 

What Makes a Mom Say: “F*ck a Duck!”?

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Occasionally, in this motherhood life that we live, swearing is necessary. You know it. I know it. It’s just a fact.

Sometimes we shout our swear words.

Sometimes we mumble them.

Sometimes we implement middle finger yoga.

Often times, we simply think our swear words; no need for vocals or gestures.

Recently, I’ve noted myself being super “mom-like” with the very hip usage of the phrase: “Fuck a duck!”

I used to just say a simple: “Fuck!”  Sometimes, I still do.  But since becoming a mom, somehow along the way, I’ve added “a duck” to my “fuck.”

And I’m not the only one!  I recently reached out to friends, in real life and online, and discovered that I was not the only mom who has added “a duck” to her “fuck.”

I then became curious as to what was making my fellow moms swear, this week. So I asked them. These were their hilarious responses:

What makes a mom say: “Fuck a duck!”?

  1. When I put the milk in the cupboard instead of the fridge. – Cousin Beckster, Canada
  2. When I spend 10 minutes I don’t have looking for my phone with my phone in my hand. – Maureen from Magnificence in the Mundane
  3. When I have a puking princess and a dog that refuses to shit outside. Andrea from Get Fit with Andrea Luna.
  4. When we return from a beautiful 2 week vacation in the Caribbean and can’t find the keys to the car. After we, along with the flight attendants, tear apart the carry-ons, I make sure to tell my husband this would never have happened if I had been in charge of the keys! I then find the keys in my pocket, once we get home. –Tammy, Canada
  5. When I wake up to my husband sporting a raging boner, and at that moment I remember I’m no longer on my period… – Anonymous in Canada.
  6. While mid downward dog, I discover baby shit on my yoga pants. – Amy, USA.
  7. When a fart is more than just a fart and you are at a christening for the day. Anonymous in the USA
  8. When I spend one hour cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom; everything is in pristine condition and I am finally at peace. Five minutes later, I return to find a pile of cheese wrappers, a banana peel, and a wadded napkin on the kitchen counter top directly ABOVE the trash can. Writer, Alison Huff.
  9. When I sit through a 4 hour flight with baby shit all over my shirt. Dana, Canada.
  10. When my 2 year-old writes with gold sharpie on my dark granite. ALL over it. And my 7 yr old walks around the house vomiting through the night. Donna, USA

Fuck a duck, indeed!

There is never a shortage of  fuck a duck-worthy situations in the life of a mom which is why we deserve a nice martini to toast with as we digress into the moment at hand.

Therefore, I present The Fuck a Ducktini:

Ducktini

For moms who digress… 

What you’ll need:

  • 1 oz. of vodka
  • 1 oz. of pineapple juice
  • 1 oz. orange juice
  • 1. oz of Baby Duck Sparkling wine.

Method:

  1. Fill a metal shaker with ice and add the above ingredients, including the juice of one large lime slice.
  2. Shake, shake, shake your booty and your shaker.
  3. Strain this bad girl into your martini glass.
  4. Garnish with a duck and zero fucks.

Toast: to swearing, to sharing, and to … ducks.

 

Did you know that Shannon Day and 36 other fab writers have created a book? Well, it’s actually a martini guide too. If you like funny, ridiculous, and heartstring-tugging stories of motherhood (+ easy-to-make martini & mocktini recipes) then you’ll love Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?!  Available now on Amazon.

Final Book Cover