Exile the Elf in 8 Simple Steps

 

elf

When it comes to The Elf on the Shelf, we parents are divided into four separate camps. There are those of us who adore the ‘lil fella, those who despise him and his creepy face, those who are sort of “whatever” about it all, and those who live peacefully, in a bubble, oblivious to the elf-world.

For a long while I was contently a member of the latter camp. Then we moved from the UK to Canada and my peaceful bubble was popped. The elf was everywhere, the kids loved it, and before I could put my UGG-clad foot down, we’d added a new little buddy to our holiday traditions: Summer the Elf.

And so began the nightly moves from one not-so-crazy spot to the next while a barrage of Facebook updates, showing the wild antics of other people’s elves, highlighted the dullness of our elf’s life.

Other people’s elves were pooping rainbow coloured chocolate while our elf lounged next to the toaster. Other people’s elves made snow angels in fluffy piles of flour and had a jolly-old-time messing up the kitchen while our elf sat alone in a window sill (wishing she lived in a home where fun happened). Other people’s elves “came in like a wrecking ball” while ours hung upside-down from a dusty chandelier for three nights in a row.

We didn’t hate the elf. She didn’t hate us. But, I admit, enthusiasm was low on the parental front.

Yet, as uninspired as we were, the kids liked the elf and seemed happy to find her in her ever-so-basic locations each morning. So, my husband and I settled into a sort of “whatever” approach to life with our elf.

Boxing Day marked the end of our first elf-filled holiday and Summer went back into her box. We’d had a semi-successful first round of elf-antics together but I wasn’t sad to see her go. Nobody was.

The next year, it was time to get the half-assed elf party started, so I took Summer out of her box and began to set up a simple scene to greet the kids with in the morning. The series of events that followed wound up being an unintentional 8-step program ending with the exile of the elf from our home. That’s right, the kids wanted her to leave and to never come back.

Although unplanned, I knew that we’d stumbled upon a practical (and only mildly traumatic) set of steps that other parents (especially the elf haters) could easily replicate if they wanted to have an elf-free Christmas season.

So, here they are! If you want to end the elf-capades, this 8-Step (2 part) process should do the trick:

PART ONE (at night):

  1. Sit elf on small doll’s chair.
  2. Place sitting elf alone in dimly-lit hallway, outside kids’ rooms.
  3. Ensure something wakes kids up in the night. (We lucked out with some random night-walking but you may have to get creative and steal blankets or something.)
  4. When child walks out of room to discover a small, creepy thing in her doll’s chair, be there to hold child as she screams in horror.
  5. Upon child’s request, hide elf so elf isn’t “wooking” at child.

PART TWO (the next morning):

  1. Just as the prior night’s trauma is forgotten, husband must chase kids, elf in hand, while making haunting ghost sounds. (Tip: Craning elf’s neck from side to side greatly enhances creepiness.)
  2. Capitalize on terrifying and ridiculous situation by asking kids if they’d like elf to go live with another family.
  3. Kids say YES.

BAM! Just. Like. That. You get to go back to an elf-free holiday season, like it used to be. You’re welcome.

 

Did you know that Shannon Day and 36 other fab writers have created a book? Well, it’s actually a martini guide too. If you like funny, ridiculous, and heartstring-tugging stories of motherhood (+ easy-to-make martini & mocktini recipes) then you’ll love Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?! Available now on Amazon.

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I’ve Taken a New Lover …

“Just the two of us. We can make it if we try. Just the two of us. You and I…. “

I’ve got a new lover in my life.

She’s a dress. But, not just any old dress. Long and flowing, she wraps herself around me, gently; like a temperate pool’s caress on the booty of a skinny dipper.

Whenever I wear her, I feel fresh and full of life. Her effects, at times, transcend me to places of an almost spiritual nature. I honestly don’t think anything could be more feminine and uplifting than she.

Heavenly. She is so damn heavenly. And I feel grateful to have discovered her on a lonely sales rack last month.

Her under layer, the finest of jersey. Her outer, a raw silk that bellows when I walk.

My girlfriends see her beauty and have caressed her, enviously. But my husband, on the other hand,  doesn’t get it. He just doesn’t appreciate her…

To read more about this love triangle, head over to BLUNTmoms.

If you’ve chuckled a bit, you may also enjoy reading about last year’s sweatpants love affair. (A tale of too much too soon.) Click here.

In and Out of Tune With My Inner June (Cleaver)

June CleaverYesterday morning, I was the ultimate Stepford Mom (in my mind).

I’d produced a picnic, complete with: butterfly shaped sandwiches, homemade chocolate chip muffins, and a healthy fruit salad. I even had a checkered tablecloth all packed up. I was on fire, damn it!

But soon, my inner June Cleaver threatened to give way to my inner Crazy Mom. That bitch creeps in when June and I get ignored during crucial moments, like when time is tight. And, sure enough, a time-is-tight moment had arrived. After getting carried away in the kitchen, we were officially going to be late! So, of course, it wasn’t long before June and I were faced with that fork in the road, where Lunatic Lane meets Pleasantville Crescent…

To read about what happens to June, Crazy Mom, and me head over to BLUNTmoms.

How to Deal with a Know-it-All

Your words of wisdom shan't go unacknowledged!

Your words of wisdom shan’t go unacknowledged!

Do you have a know-it-all in your life? Maybe it’s your mother, your son or, like me, it’s your husband. Perhaps you are the know-it-all. If so, and you want your relationships to work, I suggest you forward this on to your loved ones.

More than just a Know-it-all – Living with someone who has know-it-all tendencies is annoying, to say the least.  The unsolicited should’ves and would’ves are aggravating, frustrating and not even remotely helpful.  But, as we all know, a person comes as a package and we have to appreciate the good and make the most of the bad. Luckily my know-it-all hubby is also gorgeous and kind.  He is (and will be the first to say it) a fantastic cook, too.   But most importantly, he has a great sense of humour, which goes a long way in our house.

The Mini Trophy – This is how I cope with his pushy words of wisdom: whenever my hubby reckons he’s an expert (and he does reckon because he’s British), Continue reading

10 Signs We’re on a Moms’ Night Out

 
 Moms' night OutWe moms love a nice get together with our girlfriends. In fact, our sanity depends on it. By the time we peel the last kid from our leg and make it out the door, we’re exhausted and the night hasn’t even begun. But this doesn’t stop us. No way! We may be a tad disheveled but we’re more than ready to make the most of our night of freedom.

Continue reading